Questions for Matrescence: Thoughts Before Having Kids

By Beatrice Jeavons

“There’s never a perfect time to have kids,” everyone seems to tell you. This is often followed by vague reassurances like, “You’ll figure it out.”

But as I’ve watched some of my closest friends have their first children, I’ve realized there’s a whole lot I didn’t know about matrescence — including the word itself.

Matrescence refers to the profound process of becoming a mother — not just biologically, but psychologically, socially, and physically. In her book Matrescence, Lucy Jones argues that this transition is one of the most dramatic changes in a human life, comparable to adolescence. Yet it has been largely ignored in Western discourse.

It’s a full-on metamorphosis that fundamentally alters who you are.

As Brigid Guille puts it: “Matrescence is messy. Sacred. Wild. Exhausting. Expansive.”

Big stuff, eh?

So, is there a way — as budding mums, especially those of us who are outdoorsy — that we can prepare for this mega shift?

Considering Motherhood as an Adventurous Woman

I’ve always known I wanted to be a mum. But for a long time, that’s as far as the thought went. I was busy doing other things — hiking, trail running, bikepacking, building a career, and spending months at a time out in the bush.

But now, as I start to consider this next chapter of potential motherhood, I suddenly have a thousand questions.

How much do newborns sleep?
How will I parent?
What’s lochia?
You tear where?!

What values do I want to instill in these tiny humans?

What if I can’t fit in adventures anymore?

What if — despite their inevitable nature-heavy upbringing, or against all odds and genetic coding — our kids hate the outdoors?

Deciding to have a baby is a huge decision for anyone. As climber Gabi Patterson points out in a great article on the topic: “No matter what your lifestyle looks like, there’s one guarantee — things are going to change.”

But for us outdoorsy folk, there is the added layer of potentially needing to step back from — or reduce — the very thing we love: outdoor adventures.

Preparing for the Transition Into Matrescence

Of course, no amount of planning or self-reflection can fully prepare us for pregnancy and birth. It’s a mega shift, and it’s true — there’s never a perfect time to have kids.

But with some self-reflection, learning, preparation, and (most importantly) conversations with other mothers, friends, partners, and parents, perhaps the transition might become a little bit easier.

Some of the questions below have emerged from conversations with adventurous mothers. Others came from books and articles, chats with my mum, or conversations with close friends who are new parents.

Not all of them are easy or comfortable, but I do think they’re important.

I’m sharing this list because the more we create opportunities for honest conversations about motherhood, the better.

I’m also hoping to contribute to the normalization of some of these taboo, intimate, bodily, and gnarly topics because that’s what The Mothership Collective is all about, right?

I hope they’re helpful to other budding mothers out there, just as they were for me.

I’d also love to hear yours.

Happy pondering. xx

Questions for Matrescence

This list is organized into categories, but feel free to jump around.

I actually went camping with my partner and we answered these questions together, tucked up in the tent with hot chocolates.

Highly recommend.

Note to readers:
Not all mothers or caregivers are women. There are many loving and dedicated LGBTQIA+ parents, and I’ve tried my best to make these questions as inclusive as possible.

However, since I’m writing from my perspective as a cisgender woman, some questions focus on experiences related to pregnancy and childbirth, based on female-specific anatomy rather than sexuality or identity.

Identity & The Self

• What parts of my current identity do I fear losing most? How can I begin to grieve or accept those parts changing in early motherhood?
• Which hobbies or passions are non-negotiable for my mental health? How can I make space for those — however small — with a new baby?
• What do I love about my life now that I’m scared I’ll lose when becoming a mother? Can I bring some of those things with me?
• How do I handle being severely sleep-deprived? What are my primary tools for managing stress? How do I define self-care?
• What is my definition of a “good mother,” and where did those expectations come from? What “perfect mother” myths can I debunk or discard right now? Can I create my own definition?
• Who is my village? Do I feel comfortable asking for and accepting help?
• How do I feel about my body changing — not just during pregnancy, but the permanent becoming of a postpartum body?
• What experiences from my own upbringing do I value and want to recreate? What inherited habits or emotional triggers from my past do I want to heal from or leave behind before having kids?
• Am I prepared for the massive shift in my social life?
• What would I think about this decision in ten years?

Philosophy & Values

• How can I prepare myself to fully support and celebrate my child’s individuality — especially if their interests or personality are completely different from mine?
• What are my views on screen time and digital privacy? How much of my child’s life am I comfortable sharing online? If I have a partner, how do they feel about this topic?
• What are my core values? How do I want to instill them in my children?
• What does “enough” look like for our family?
• What are my environmental values regarding baby gear and the consumerist side of parenting? How can I choose baby essentials in a way that aligns with my commitment to a healthy planet?
• What legacy do I want to leave behind?

The Transition

• How was I born? What was that experience like for my own mother?
• What kind of birth do I want and why? How can I prepare to let go of the plan if I need to and trust the unfolding birth process?
• What are my fears regarding the physical process and recovery?
• What is my plan for returning to work (or not), and how does that affect my sense of self-worth?
• What is my plan for physical recovery? Are there courses or support systems I can explore before birth?
• How will I handle the specific loneliness that often accompanies early motherhood? What local groups could I join? How can I begin building that community now?
• How does the idea of parenthood fit into the kind of life I want to build for myself and my family?
• When I think about having a child, what is the “why” that feels most honest to me or us?

The Adventure of Motherhood

The adventure of motherhood will absolutely not go exactly according to plan. But then again... when does any adventure?

I think the more we can find spaces to talk about these challenges and joys, the more we can share in the collective struggle, beauty, anxieties, and delight of bringing a tiny little human into this wild and wonderful world.

I hope you found these helpful.

Have fun.
Stay weird.
Raise legends. 🌿