Keeping Score with Your Partner (and Letting It Go)

By Julie Bacon

I told myself I wouldn’t be the type to keep score.

No tit-for-tat when it came to taking time for ourselves. No resentment. Just mutual understanding, support, and balance — even with a baby in the mix.

Let me tell you, this has been one of the hardest things for both my own personal growth and for our relationship.

The Loneliness of Pregnancy

When I was pregnant, the loneliness hit hard. The first trimester came with dry heaving and bone-deep exhaustion. The second and third with insomnia, serious aches and pains, and a stress load I didn’t know I could carry. I stayed active. I still went camping. But everything felt… different. Like I was moving through the world in a body that no longer belonged to me. I'd have multi-day exhaustion hangovers from what used to be normal activities. I felt like a prisoner in my own skin, twiddling my thumbs at night, begging my restless legs to give me a break.

And because I was one of the first in my friend group to be pregnant, I’d never felt more alone.

Still, I put on a brave face. Smiled when people asked how I was. I didn’t want to be a downer. But behind the scenes, I was hanging on. And that contradiction of pregnancy — of feeling like a radiant goddess and a terrified wreck at the exact same time — was something I didn’t know how to process.

Resentment Is Real

During those months, the resentment toward my partner was real. He was going on big kayaking missions. Sending it on his bike. Living it up before the baby came. And even if he hadn’t been doing anything at all, I probably still would’ve felt that way. It just felt so unfair — that I had to be the one going through all of it.

And yet, it was also a gift. One I didn’t fully understand at the time. It made me respect all the women who had gone through this journey 100x more.

The Scorecard Blew Up Postpartum

Then the baby came. And with her, a tidal wave of emotion and exhaustion. A whole new chapter of keeping score.

I felt like I’d earned some me-time. I’d brought life into the world. I was breastfeeding. I was up all night. I was shifting my entire identity. Of course I deserved to sneak off for a long gym session or a day in the mountains.

But newborn life doesn’t exactly work like that. We were in survival mode. Figuring out feeding, sleeping, schedules (or lack thereof). There wasn’t a ton of space to talk about who got a break.

Looking back, I think a lot of the tension was me not fully processing the change in our lives. I would often joke that "nothing had changed." All of our friends were still moving at their same speed. And my world had completely shifted.

Now, the Resentment Is (Mostly) Gone

Now I look at my new world, the one shaped by my daughter, and I smile. I might not have the same freedom or time I once did, but that white-knuckled grip on fairness, that inner tally I was keeping? It's mostly faded.

Still, I’ve learned some things along the way. If you're navigating this journey with a partner, here’s my best advice:

A Few Truths for New Parents Navigating Time, Space, and Resentment

• Be genuinely happy for your partner when they get time for themselves. This one’s hard. But it’s essential. You both need it. Resentment helps no one, and being stoked for each other creates a much healthier cycle.
• Have honest conversations about what you both need. Don’t let unmet needs fester. Speak up if you feel like your cup isn’t being filled and define what that even means for you right now.
• Remember that time away is an investment in your relationship and parenting. We come back more patient, more energized, and more connected after space to reset, whether it’s solo time, a night with friends, or an hour of movement.
• Make time for each other, too. Not just solo getaways. You need time together — away from the baby, the dishes, the mental load. Even if it means shelling out for a babysitter or asking for help. Your relationship deserves care and attention. You were a team before parenthood, and you still are.
• Stay flexible and extend grace. The baby phase isn’t forever. The routines will change. Some weeks you might get more time, others less. Flexibility (and forgiveness) matter.

I also want to shout out my partner. He has been incredibly generous about giving me precedence throughout the motherhood journey, especially on the powder days and the weekends I needed to feel like me again. He nudged me out the door for first tracks or laps with friends. He saw the toll early motherhood took and showed up in ways I didn’t fully appreciate in the moment. That matters. A lot.

So no, I didn’t want to be someone who kept score. And some days, I still do. But I’m learning to keep a different kind of score now, one that counts empathy, communication, and mutual support more than hours away or diapers changed.

And that shift? It’s made all the difference.